What we're having here is a conceptual interpretation problem, which is easy to overcome if you can forget the fact that you're dancers working for a couple of bucks … for those who forgot, the show's called "Satan's Alley." It's a journey through hell; and it ends with an ascent to Heaven. You might think it's simple, but if it's going to work, you gotta bust your asses!

                                                                   —Jesse, Staying Alive

Nowhere else in the halls of cinema do we find a character quite like Jesse. He shouts almost every single line he has in the film. I think his only calm words are to Jackie toward the end when he says "break a leg." And even then, he's still being a bit of a … Oh, who's Jesse? He's the director of "Satan's Alley." Why didn't you know that? BECAUSE STALLONE FORGETS TO TELL US BASIC THINGS LIKE PEOPLE'S NAMES.

Welcome to Staying Alive, the first page of the Stallone Diary. Why start here? Why not with First Blood Part II? Cliffhanger is a good target, right? The Diary opens on 1983's regrettable follow-up to Saturday Night Fever precisely because this film features something the others do not: a lack of Stallone the actor. This is the work of a man unencumbered by the rigors of film acting. In this work, Stallone's hands are free to be concerned alone with the filmmaking. What he gives us was no doubt intended to be a great expose on the world of professional dancing, but what we get is such a stew of hammy acting, missed thoughts, and musical montages that the film more closely resembles science fiction than cinema verite. If this is supposed to be the gritty reality, our first question has to be, "Where is the coke?"

Up top I mentioned Stallone has a problem telling us people's names. This is 100% honest truth. The director of the show is called by name ONCE and when Tony mentions it, you're not even sure who he's talking about because the director is never identified by his name. In the case of Finola Hughes' character, her name is not revealed until forty minutes into the film and uttered in such a way that we're magically suppose to know her name already. To compound this error, when Tony asks Jackie about her early on, he calls her "this whashername." Now, I'm not a highly trained master of the writing art, but—waitaminute! I am! And with all that authority, I ask, would this be the moment to introduce the character's name? (I won't spoil the surprise for you. It forces me to be creative.) Instead, Stallone lets it roll by and introduces one of the more odd ideas in the film. Tony watches her enter a limo and asks, "Whose limo is that?" Jackie's response: "I think it's hers. Everyone says she comes from money." You'd think it'd be settled, right? Not for Tony. Later in the film he asks her three times, "Whose limo is this?" At no point has Stallone given any reason for us to doubt it might be hers.

Now, let's talk about the show all these people are involved in. At no point does anyone in "Satan's Alley" talk or sing. Now, I'm no patron of the arts. I've seen a single ballet in my life and not one live musical, but … Broadway productions are never "dance only" affairs, right? I suppose in Stallone's mind, Broadway is allowing such an avant production to happen and that Tony would be into that. Or maybe when everyone says "a Broadway show" they just mean it's at the Broadway Theater. Large parts of this show are staged in such a way that only benefit Stallone's camera. I can't imagine any member of the audience can see the crucial moment between the vague characters Tony and Ms. Whashername play because Tony's back is to the audience and they are inside a devilish maw. I don't know stagecraft, but I do know how to maintain a fictional reality. This show can't possibly work from the audience perspective. One true thing about the show: it is a journey through Hell.

I have not yet mentioned the contribution Stallone's older brother Frank made to this film. In another example of the chronic inability to introduce characters, we are told Frank's character is named "Carl" moments before his last line in the film. More importantly, though, Frank scored a number one hit with his major composition for the film, the much beloved (by the Yakmala Group anyway) "Far from Over." It actually plays twice in the film. On top of this, Frank wrote several songs he performs as "Carl," has two duets with Cynthia Rhodes (which he also composed), and has writing credit on some of the material featured in "Satan's Alley." His stamp on this film is much larger than the Bee Gees; which is funny because they receive an opening credit and a photo on the original soundtrack album. Frank has subsequently said, despite his number one hit, he still had trouble getting a record contract.

There are a couple of blink-and-you-miss-it cameos in the film. Kurtwood Smith (better known as Red Forman on That '70s Show) appears during the opening credits as another show director. In one shot, he definitely has that "he's a dumbass" look on his face. A few momements later, at the dance studio Tony works at, we see a woman that looks suspiciously like Kurtwood Smith's TV wife from "That ‘70s Show." It might not be her, of course, but the presence of Smith makes it hard not to see that possibility. One cameo we can absolutely confirm: Patrick Swayze appears in one shot while Jesse and Ms. Whashername fight about Tony. The shot is literally a few seconds and Swayze is not credited as a dancer, but it's definitely him. Stallone also famously appears in one shot, but everybody talks about it.