First Annual Best of Yakmala
Dear Diary . . .
By Justin (writing as Capt. Supermarket)
courtesy of Th3rd World Studios

2:00 The First Annual Best of Yakmala kicks off! Today, we’re going to watch Gymkata, Mitchell, Quigley and Staying Alive. No one is here yet. Perhaps the multiple changes of time and venue on the evite proved confusing.

2:06 10 Things I Hate About You is on. When did Joseph Gordon-Levitt become a mark of quality? Because at this point, if he’s in something, I’m seeing it. Brick is that good, people.

2:09 Whatever happened to Larisa Oleynik? She was hot.

2:16 Still no one here. Lauri is in a Heath Ledger-induced coma.

2:31 The first arrivals! Of course, we still don’t have the movies.

2:46 This could be going better.

2:50 Another arrival! I’m no longer worried about the evite, but I’m starting to think Erik got swallowed up by the earth.

3:31 Erik is here, and he’s bearing Gymkata, Mitchell and Staying Alive. He’s late because apparently it takes much longer to get an Eric Roberts autograph than I thought. That’s not even a euphemism. He actually was getting an autograph from Eric “I hate my sister’s stupid horse face” Roberts.

3:33 Gymkata kicks things off. For those unaware and too lazy to check out the synopsis, here’s the movie in a nutshell: Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas plays Jonathan Cabot, a secret agent and practitioner of a martial art that’s part gymnastics, part karate, and part looking like a schmuck, who has to go to fictional Parmistan and play “the Game,” something that’s part Running Man and part Survivor. Cabot’s dad was killed over there while playing The Game, but I didn’t learn this until about halfway through the movie the second time around.

3:36 Riveting title sequence. It took me a couple minutes to figure out it was a chalked bar against a black field. Nothing else.

3:37 Kurt Thomas died today in a freak crotch-related accident.

3:42 One of Cabot’s trainers has an eagle the size of Peter Dinklage perched on his arm. He looks terrified.

3:44 Crotch count: 5. Yes, they’ve already had five lingering shots of Thomas’s crotch, and we’re only eleven minutes in. Kind of says it all right there, huh?

3:45 Cabot attempts to seduce a mute lady by flipping around a room like an asshole. For some reason, this makes her kiss him and pull a switchblade. I think someone’s off her meds.

3:47 Karabal, on the Caspian Sea!

3:48 They just introduced a character who has the nickname “The Stork.” I’m guessing because he brings people babies.

3:49 One of the more inexplicable lines, right here. They tell Cabot that to get into Parmistan, he has to use a “pack mule, and then not all the way.” Why? Does Parmistan have sophisticated pack mule detecting equipment at the border?

3:51 The first fight gymnastics/karate scene. As great as it is, it would be so much better if they gave him one of those ribbons-on-a-stick.

3:54 And here we have the first conveniently-placed piece of gymnastics equipment. In this case, it’s a bar that crosses an alley. It’s a good thing that Cabot chalks his hands before leaving the house.

3:58 It’s amazing how this movie just grinds to a halt during the action sequences. We’re in the midst of the dullest chase since Bakshi’s Lord of the Rings. On the upside, one of the pursuers looks like Columbo.

4:04 Why don’t ninjas believe in teamwork?

4:06 With the bad guy’s feathered hair and earring, he looks like he escaped from Journey. By the looks of it, it was a narrow escape.

4:07 The Kahn (that’s how it’s spelled in the credits) looks to be played by Mel Brooks. The ethnic makeup of Parmistan is surprisingly diverse. It’s really tough to cram that many stereotypes into one country without friction, but the Parmistanis do really well.

4:08 YAKMALA! The cheer that gives us our name.

4:09 The Game begins, but not the important Game. This one just has a couple convicts so Cabot can see what to expect. As they set off, the horses accidentally trample an extra.

4:16 One of the Game’s contestants - Gomez - is wearing a baby blue and canary yellow track suit. I can’t decide if he reminds me more of Paulie Walnuts or Mr. Rogers.

4:18 Thorg has arrived. One of the movie’s many villains, Thorg is a gigantic guy who looks vaguely disoriented. Cabot professes to be an admirer of Thorg’s “from Munich.” I’ve just found my new ice breaker at parties.

4:22 Some exposition as they try to pretend Parmistan has some place in anything resembling the real world.

4:29 Crotch count: 8

4:35 Cabot vs. Thorg in the battle of the unconvincing martial arts styles!

4:36 I just caught myself wondering if Thorg is the man’s first or last name. I need a beer.

4:38 Man, that’s a conveniently shaped object. At first, I thought it was the town’s well, but there’s no hole. It’s just a raised pile of bricks with a couple handles on the top. Sort of like a… well, you’ll see.

4:39 I have to marvel at the civic planning that led to the creation of the Village of the Damned. In Parmistan, there’s this village full of crazy people, where they just roam around in their natural habitat instead of being locked up. Was it intended as a tourist destination? “Honey, let’s make sure we visit the Village of the Damned! Every Thursday we can watch the Mayor defecate into the town fountain while the citizenry attack us with butter!”

4:46 The best scene in the movie. Cabot takes on an angry mob of nutjobs while using that peculiar non-well object as a pommel horse. So much funnier than it sounds.

4:52 Third act twist! Cabot’s dad is actually alive and masquerading as a ninja! I think this was an episode of Montel.

4:58 Cabot kills the bad guy with his crotch. Cabot’s, not the bad guy's. Killing a guy with his own crotch might prove difficult.

5:01 The film’s coda where a little paragraph informs us that because of Cabot’s actions, we are allowed to built missiles in Parmistan. Why is this movie attempting to make me believe that Parmistan is real?

5:03 Mitchell begins. Dammit. The first time I watched this, it nearly killed me. A quick rundown: Mitchell, played by Joe Don Baker, is a really bad cop. He’s not corrupt; he’s just really bad at his job. He bothers a couple of people who turn out to be bad, and accidentally saves the day. All while wearing some rather fetching lip gloss.

5:04 The title sequence is pretty inexplicable, featuring out-of-focus shots of Joe Don Baker doing what looks like a Planet of the Apes impression.

5:09 You know, this guy’s house wouldn’t get broken into if his doors weren’t made of balsa wood.

5:10 Mitchell, the hero, is introduced, and he’s sleeping.

5:11 Mitchell mishandles evidence, picking up a murder weapon with his bare hands. Way to keep those fingerprints intact, buddy.

5:13 Movie: “What kind of policeman are you, Mitchell?” I suppose it would be too much to hope that he’d answer, “Not a good one, Chief.”

5:15 “No one leans on Cummins, because he stamps on people and he has a big shoe.” That metaphor wasn’t so much mixed as pureed.

5:16 Mitchell attempts to introduce himself to the subject of his stakeout. How does this guy still have a job?

5:20 Mitchell tells a guy that it’s 24:17 hours. So he can’t tell time, either.

5:21 And now he’s breaking and entering.

5:27 Mitchell’s gun just fell out of his pants. He makes Shane Vendrell look like Joe Friday.

5:28 Linda Evans, playing a high-class prostitute, is at Mitchell’s place. Mitchell proceeds to lick her feet while she reads porn. I wish I were making that up.

5:34 Car chase! Mitchell appears to be drunk and half-asleep, but the other car’s only going about 15mph, so even Mitchell can keep up.

5:40 Mitchell assaults a bad guy. Doesn’t arrest him, doesn’t kill him. Just breaks his hand and walks off. That’s some bang-up police work right there. I find myself wishing for the integrity of Denzel Washington’s character in Training Day.

5:41 And now he’s asleep again. I think he might be narcoleptic.

5:43 After a surreal conversation, Mitchell just shot a guy for no apparent reason. Mitchell sure seems pleased with himself, though.

5:48 This is the set piece of the movie. The Mitchell theme, which sounds a lot like the theme song of Mr. Belvedere kicks in as he as a way too long sex scene with Linda Evans. This has to be the least sexy sex scene in the history of film, with the exception of that part in Deliverance.

5:52 Now he’s going through her purse. Again. I think Mitchell needs to be locked up for his own safety.

6:02 Writing in the dark is hard.

6:03 There’s a tradition at Yakmala called “Hulkifying” that I’m proud to have started. Basically, a dumb character provokes impressions of the Incredible Hulk. I bring this up because I’m resisting the urge to Hulkify Mitchell, but the temptation to scream “WHY STRANGE MAN STARE AT MITCHELL? MITCHELL SMASH!” is getting too much to bear.

6:05 Mitchell gets his car stuck in a river. Looks like those dune buggies are going to mess him up.

6:07 Nope. As long as Mitchell can club a guy to death with a rock, he’s got a chance.

6:09 John Saxon’s dune buggy explodes. This just goes to show: never pack your dune buggy with dynamite, no matter how cool you think it makes you.

6:11 Mitchell just almost shot a child for playing the repeating game. I’m wondering what the writer of this movie has against cops.

6:22 This thug looks remarkably like Andy Kaufman, to the point that I think it might be him. Let’s see if he tries to wrestle Linda Evans.

6:23 Mitchell just wasted him. Now we’ll never know.

6:25 Erik: “This movie really slows down after Saxon explodes.” He’s not wrong.

6:28 Wow. Mitchell’s master plan to stop a boat is to attempt to hit it with a tank of compressed air that’s dangling from a helicopter. This does not bode well.

6:37 Mitchell has now murdered every character involved in the malfeasance. Why is the movie still happening?

6:39 Credits, Mitchell theme reprise. Did they really like this song that much?

6:44 Intermission.

6:57 Twister is on. We cheer Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton as they fight stupid nature.

8:02 Mmm… pizza.

8:10 Time for Quigley. In this one, Gary Busey is a bad guy. He dies in a car accident, and God turns him into a Pomeranian. His only guide on this journey is Sweeney, an angel, who appears in the form of a douchebag that only Busey can see and hear.

8:12 Busey’s intro sets the tone for the entire film. He attacks a poodle and slips in the poodle’s shit. This might be funny if I had just suffered a serious head wound. I’m really considering it.

8:13 Busey talks to Curtis Armstrong, A.K.A. Booger. Not as cool as it sounds.

8:14 Busey’s office looks like it was designed by the Cenobites from Hellraiser. That espresso machine looks dangerous. “We will tear your coffee apart.”

8:16 Apparently on the real/artificial turf debate, God is firmly on the side of artificial. I’m glad that burning theological question has been resolved.

8:18 Everyone sees Busey as a Pomeranian except Sweeney. I’m not sure if Busey knows that this is a movie.

8:20 In order to become a human again, he has to do something nice for someone. Why did they turn him into a dog? Just to be dicks?

8:31 I don’t think this movie likes angels very much.

8:39 Anthony has arrived!

8:41 Hijinks. Did anyone really think this was funny?

8:44 This scene really has to be seen to be believed. Through creative editing, they manage to convey nothing at all.

8:46 In the reality of Quigley, nets are only dangerous to the people employing them.

8:47 I think the angel has severe vertigo. He can’t walk more than five feet without face-planting.

8:57 Quigley has provoked a lull. I’m not certain we’ll recover.

9:00 The lull is still happening, so I’m able to really look at Busey’s face. He’s looking less and less human as time goes on. The left side of his head looks about ten years older than the right, and one of his eyes looks too small for the socket. Busey is now the celebrity I’m most afraid to meet in a dark alley. Hear that Hilary Swank? Your reign of terror is over!

9:02 It’s amazing what can bring you out of a lull. The female lead in this movie has breasts that defy both description and gravity. The entire room is marveling. I finally know what it was like to watch the moon landing. The mood in the room is that electric.

9:08 Hugging Busey could be the ‘00s equivalent of bungee jumping.

9:13 Busey’s performance is seriously weird. For an actor with his career longevity, he’s actually made very few good movies. I can only think of three: Lethal Weapon The Buddy Holly Story¸ and Predator 2. Was he always this weird and I just didn’t notice, or did that motorcycle accident really mess with him?

9:16 I’m thinking about Busey too much.

9:20 Oh, here’s Booger. Man, he looks bad.

9:23 How could a movie that stars Busey, Booger, the guy from Blue Lagoon, and that woman’s breasts be this bad?

9:26 The message portion of the movie, the amazing part of which is that it completely invalidates everything. See, God tells Busey that there are no second chances (despite, you know, the second chance that just stole an hour and a half of my life), and that Busey can’t get to Heaven with good deeds. Nope, he’s just got to believe. Seriously, why did they turn him into a dog? I really think these people have it in for God. He really comes off as a drunken dickhead.

9:30 I need something to make the pain go away. What would happen if I just pounded myself in the head with a hammer?

9:44 The last movie of the night has just begun! Staying Alive, the world’s most pointless sequel. For those unaware, this is the sequel to Saturday Night Fever written, directed, and produced by Sylvester Stallone (featuring music by Frank Stallone). Tony Manero (John Travolta, in the movie that pretty well destroyed his career) is now a professional dancer on Broadway. He sleeps with some women, gets in a show, and basically is obnoxious for ninety minutes.

9:45 Blaring music, people flying around, bad costumes. I feel like I’m being yelled at.

9:52 Stallone really likes Travolta’s crotch. The crotch thread ties in with Gymkata. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing.

9:53 Holy shit! That’s Joyce Hyser from Just One of the Guys! I wonder what she’s doing these days. Probably sitting in a darkened room somewhere muttering, “I used to be somebody… dressed like Elvis Costello, looking like the Karate Kid.”

9:57 Montage #1. I’m not against montages on principle (although, ever since watching the best montage ever in the series finale of Six Feet Under¸ I have to wonder why people still have them), but I think you get maybe one. Two, if you want to use training montage, because those rule.

10:02 There are some Hulkifying rumbles for Tony.

10:04 I’m not sure if Stallone intends for Tony to be sympathetic, but he’s coming off as a date rapist. Unless Stallone thinks that’s sympathetic.

10:08 The director of the show Tony’s in is wearing a flight jacket, scarf and jodhpurs tucked into knee-high boots. The room has nicknamed him General Zod.

10:10 That woman’s hair could double as a helipad.

10:11 Montage #2.

10:18 The ‘80s, when straight girls had mullets.

10:19 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Frank Stallone!

10:24 The message of the film: everybody uses everybody. I’m not sure which is more cynical, this or Quigley. I’m not sure why I’m devoting any brain power to this at all.

10:26 Ah, my favorite moment in the film. The rich dancer that Tony’s been cheating on his girlfriend with has just gotten into a limo. For some reason, this really distresses Tony. He really wants to know whose limo this is. Whose do you think, jackass?

10:27 In a throwaway line of dialogue, we just learned what the female lead’s name is. The name is never mentioned again. Now that’s writing, people.

10:34 I’m running out of steam here.

10:40 DANCE!

10:43 Travolta keeps wiggling his shoulder in this scene. I can’t tell if it’s intentional or not. Maybe his shoulder is trying to escape the movie. Run, shoulder, run!

10:45 Montage #3. This montage is notable for being maybe the most embarrassing moment in film history. You really just feel bad for everyone involved.

10:50 Patrick Swayze cameo! First Joyce Hyser, now him. If Marc Price shows up, I’m going to explode.

10:55 Montage #4. This is not even ten minutes after the last montage ended.

10:58 Wow. The gimp from Pulp Fiction would be embarrassed to be seen in that outfit. Just as a sort of guideline, if what you’re wearing includes shoulder straps, a thong and your nipples are showing, change your clothes. Incidentally, these are the costumes for Tony’s big show.

11:03 The show is going on, and this is clearly the climax of the film, but I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel about this. Erik thinks that Stallone intends us to be enjoying it, which makes me wonder how much coke Stallone did while shooting this.

11:07 Montage #5.

11:09 Anthony is singing along to the music in falsetto with the made-up lyrics, “Tomahawk warrior, Frank Stalloooooone!” This is about a million times funnier in person. I really wish I could include a sound file, because I’m in danger of hyperventilating.

11:13 Erik knows every one of General Zod’s lines. This might be his favorite character ever.

11:17 The End. The thing I love about Yakmala is that you really feel like you survived something. We’re already planning the next one, and for some reason, I’m taking the lead.