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 Release Date: 1985 Tagline: No man can touch her naked steel. Director: Héctor Olivera Writers: Howard R. Cohen
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| Plot Synopsis by Justin: It’s wedding bells for the titular barbarian queen Amethea (Lana Clarkson, now most famous as the woman Phil Spector allegedly murdered). She’s set to marry greased-up pretty boy Argan (pronounced just like the gas, and twice as inert), a man so poker faced he could play straight man to Josh Hartnett. Romans attack her town, kill some, rape a couple, and take the rest as slaves, including Argan. How they managed to catch him while he was soaked in Crisco is never actually resolved. Amathea and her perpetually hungry sidekick Estrild grab their swords, put on some costumes that are half Dallas Cowboy cheerleader and half slutty Pocahontas and tease out their hair to Whitesnake-video levels. Unfortunately, this is not in montage to Europe’s "Final Countdown." Because he’s too lazy to emote, let alone try to engineer an escape, Argan needs his bride to rescue him. Amathea gathers a couple more half-naked women, a moppet whose gender is still in question, a motley group of rebels and heads to Rome. Rome suspiciously looks exactly like an alien world in the midst of a water shortage, but this time there’s no David Carradine or talking iguana (see The Warrior and the Sorceress). As the girls mill about Rome desperately trying to come up with a plan that somehow utilizes their chief skills of wooden acting and unconvincing swordplay, they get captured, raped and killed, usually in that order. Amathea escapes and unites the gladiators and rebels in open revolt. She wins, but it’s only by accident. | |||||||||||
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Justin (as Captain Supermarket):