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 Release Date: 2005 Tagline: Driven by revenge... Director: Uwe Boll Writer: Guinevere Turner
* indicates Yakmala All Star |
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 Plot Synopsis by Clinton: So you're directing a video game adaptation. And your source material concerns a sewer-mouthed, hottie half-vampire chick in tight leather whose job and passion is harpooning, dismembering, gunning down, and sucking the blood out of armies of mutants, zombies, and nazis -- including Vampire Nazis. This is not going to be Oscar material, but at least as B movies go it would take a special talent to fuck this up and rob it of any entertainment value. Unfortunately for the world, Uwe Boll has that talent. He transplants the story from the 1930's to some generic whenthefuckever Renassaince Faire setting (and frankly that's an insult to renaissance faires), strips the title character of any of her signature moves, snappy lingo or cool powers, tosses in a bunch of fish-out-of-water casting, an incoherent plotline, and laughably bad special effects, and for added measure uses the cinematic technique of the flashback sequence in the same way as a large man in a federal prison might use his bunkmate with the pretty mouth.Usually a movie like this would have decent (if cliche) fights. Bloodrayne can't even muster up an action sequence with adrenalin or a semi-fappable sex scene. Don't even ask about the dialogue. The cast includes a near comatose Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez attempting a British accent, Ben Kingsley wondering where the fuck his career went, Meat Loaf with a harem of actual prostitutes because Uwe Boll was too cheap to hire real extras, and Billy Zane displaying a seething contempt for everyone and everything around him (and as far as we can tell, just out right escaping from the movie two-thirds of the way through). All of which goes to show: you should never pass up the opportunity to fight Nazis. |
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  Justin (as Captain Supermarket): Juggy Dance Squad |
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