Plot Synopsis by Lauri: Her name was Red Sonja. She lived in a savage world in an age of violence. A fierce warrior with flaming red hair.  In the Hyborian Kingdom, her quest for justice and vengeance became a legend.  This is how the legend began… 

Queen Gedren wanted to nail Sonja. When Sonja flicked her glorious red mullet in refusal, the mannish Queen murdered Sonja’s family and burned down her house.  Beaten and raped, Sonja was left for dead – awakened only by a weird apparition who gave Sonja the strength to seek Vengeance™.

Meanwhile, Gedren is off seeking world domination by stealing The Talisman® (a glowing green rock that looks strangely familiar.  Perhaps… from the planet Krypton?).  Important point:  The Talisman® cannot be touched by a man.  Therefore, it is guarded by a bunch of 70s hot, waifish amazons.  After some battle (for those who like watching women in togas fight with swords), the Gedren ’s men win and The Talisman® is stolen.  One amazon escapes, however, in a sequence very much like the beginning of Gymkata with a chasm, a rope, and very good archers.  Who saves the amazon?  None other than Arnie and his codpiece!  We learn he’s some king or other, but he will always be Arnie.

It turns out the amazon is Sonja’s sister.  Who knew with that triangle of red hair that they’d be related?  Arnie takes her to Sonja, who has been training in Asia to become a great swordsperson.  We see Sonja kick the snot out of her male opponent and when she shies away from his congratulatory hug, her teacher says, “Such hatred of men in a lovely young woman – it could be your downfall.”  Sonja throws back, “I don’t hate all men.”  For anyone who wonders why she scorned the advances of the Queen in the beginning, we learn here that Sonja is heterosexual, just butch in appearance.

Sonja and her epic mullet follow Arnie and his codpiece to her sister.  The sister dies after telling Sonja she must seek Vengeance™ against Gedren and destroy The Talisman® in 13 days or the world will fall apart. Arnie tries to help Sonja, but she leaves and warns him to stay away. “I don’t need any man’s help.” Imagine banging two large rocks together.  That’s what their dialogue sounded like.

Insert snotty, indignant boy king Ernie Reyes, Jr.! Sonja shows great parenting skills by telling the boy’s servant to beat some sense into him so he’s not such a prick.  Surprisingly, they do not join her in her quest at this time. (Later, she tries to spank him to teach him a lesson.)

Insert gross man who demands “tribute” from Sonja for passage through his bridge (and by “tribute” he means “sex” and by “sex” he means "sex").  She refuses to put out and battle ensues.  She kills him and is about to face all of his soldiers (if Lord Humungus and Swamp Thing had gladiator children, this is what they’d look like) – when in flies Arnie and his codpiece! You know that scene in romantic comedies where the girl sees the guy playing with a kid and has that secret smile and you know that she’s starting to fall for him?  Well, that smile happens here while Sonja watches Arnie slaughter a bunch of fishy gladiators. 

Wacky adventures ensue: rescuing the snotty boy king (who was battling thugs in thinly disguised blue jeans), teaching the snotty boy king that practice is important, the boy saying she might be his queen when he grows up, a battle with a large mechanical snake that can only be beaten when it is blinded, and a new codpiece for Arnie, and we eventually arrive at Sexual Tension!  Arnie kisses Sonja and she says, “No, I’m under a vow. No man may have me unless he beats me in a fair fight.”  What is Sonja teaching young girls with this one?  So they clash swords and the boy king asks, “Why does she fight so hard? She doesn’t want to win.”  Why indeed?  It ends in a draw, both of them worn out by their violent foreplay.

They FINALLY make it to Gedren’s castle which appears to have a giant nipple for an entrance.  But they can’t go through there for some reason, so they climb up a rock face and enter through a small dark hole.  The Talisman® is causing holy hell because Gedren’s desire for world domination has let it grow too powerful.  Her head advisor tries to escape, but the boy king fights him and the advisor is killed.  Why do I mention this?  Because he’s crushed by the giant nipple.  And when you hear him scream, you can definitely tell that he’s the Nazi with the melting face in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Sonja and Gedren battle for The Talisman®.  The Queen tries the typical villainous, “We could have ruled the world together…” And Sonja cries back, “You’re mad!  The Talisman® will destroy you!” (She might have cried, “You’re a man!” – I couldn’t tell because of her accent, but the latter is definitely more interesting.)  Sonja eventually breaks Gedren’s sword and stabs her in the chest. Vengeance™ is fulfilled! The Queen falls against a really awful blue screen into an earthquake-created lava cavern. The Talisman® soon follows – and then the whole castle REALLY starts to crumble.  They manage to escape with several constipated/holding-up-stuff/feats-of-strength actions by Arnie and charge out of the giant nipple as the castle falls.

There’s an “Aw, mush,” scene at the end when Sonja willingly kisses Arnie after he says he’ll only take a woman as queen who can beat him in a fair fight. Is he trying to be smooth? And then the out-of-place-amazingly-awesome soundtrack by Ennio Morricone swells and the movie ends.