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 Release Date: 1985 Tagline: Seeing Is Believing! Director: Jeannot Szwarc Writer: David Newman * and Leslie Newman *
* indicates Yakmala All Star |
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 Plot Synopsis by Erik: In an unnamed Scandanvian country, children await the arrival of local toymaker "Uncle Claus." As he hands out the various trickets and baubles
he's made for the kids, his wife, Anya, is warned the bridge to the next
town might be out. Claus vows to reach the next town so all the children
will get a toy for Christmas. Claus, Anya, and their two reindeer freeze
to death.I'm not kidding. They die in the first five minutes. It's not presented as death, though, as all the frozen travelers awaken in an almost accurate portrayal of the North Pole: a desolate waste with no canyons, cliffs or any geological features. However, the light of the North Star reveals Brigado-- I mean, The Elvish Halls of Something Something. Here, the Elves have been practicing their craft in waiting for the Man Who Would Come. Claus is told by the Master Elf (Burgess Meredith) that he is their Elvish Prophecy fullfilled and shall be known throughout the world as Santa Claus. He is also given the power of flight and time travel from his father, Jor-El. Er, no wait. He's just given the powers because Burgess says so. Flash foward several centuries to the present -- er, the late 20th Century (I'm never going to get used to that). New York is cold and gray for transient youngster Joe. He'd be starving to death if not for the goodwill of rich, isolated Cornelia (I'm pretty sure this is the only time in the history of Cinema where a character named Cornelia is NOT EVIL). She gives him a bit of the Christmas Eve dinner prepared by Cornie's nanny/tutor. Pretty sweet deal for Joe, but he also meets Santa on this night. Santa, apparently, had been ignorant to the abject poverty in New York until 1986 or so. Maybe it's because Joe is white. Either way, Santa gives Joe a primer in Yuletide gift giving where he formally meets Cornie for the first time. Oh, but there's a complication! Santa's assistant elf, Patch, has introduced manufacturing into the Workshop. It makes orders easier to fill, but Patch forgot to invent Quality Assurance. As a result, the children send back Patch's shoddy products. He resigns as assistant and loses sight of Briga--, er, Santa's Workshop. Once in the world of Man, Patch encounters crooked toy magnate B.Z. (We are never told what B.Z. is supposed to refer to. Is it his initials? His first and middle name? A really obtuse nick-name? Skull and Bones name, maybe?) B.Z. (JOHN LITHGOW!) is under investigation by the Federal Trade Comission. Our lad Patch mistakes him for an ethical toymaker and makes a deal for next Christmas. Come that next year, Santa meets up with Joe and they discover Patch's new toy: a lollipop that allows children to float on air. Turns out Patch took a stash of the magic hash that makes the reindeer fly and yeah, this happened. Turns out he wanted to impress Santa, but instead made a lot of good PR for B.Z. who turns out to be Cornie's step-uncle! (gasp!) So, secrets are reveled, candy canes explode, and Santa brings Joe and Cornie to the North Pole, presumably to replace Claus the First. Oh, and B.Z. ends up in space. Watch for THE BIG LEBOWSKI as Santa. I'm not kidding. |
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