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 Release Date: 1999 Tagline: Every generation has a legend. Every journey has a first step. Every saga has a beginning. Director/Writer: George Lucas
* indicates Yakmala All Star |
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 Plot Synopsis by Justin: For tax reasons, the Trade Federation is blockading the planet of Naboo. Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson, who hasn’t looked this embarrassed since Krull) and his apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan MacGregor) are dispatched to sort this thing out. Instead, they get beat up by some droids and dumped on Naboo, where they run into wandering blackface performer Jar Jar Binks (Ahmed Best, still on the run from the Black Crusaders). As it turns out, some evil Jedi are behind the blockade, so Qui-Gon escorts the queen (Natalie Portman on quaaludes) to Coruscant. On the way, their ship breaks down on Tattooine. They find that, despite an abundant droid workforce, Tattooine still has slaves, mostly to provide local color. One of these slaves, a CG child named Anakin Skywalker, is the product of a virgin birth and has a high quantity of super-bacteria in his bloodstream. Virgin birth my ass, the kid was born with magic herpes. There’s a half-hour commercial for a video game in the middle, called a “podrace.” Qui-Gon kidnaps the kid to take him to the Jedi Council and on the way the queen nearly molests the kid a couple times. On Coruscant, the queen makes contact with Senator Palpatine from Naboo, and who turns out to be Darth Sidious, the mastermind behind the blockade, but no one knows this yet. Yoda refuses to allow Qui-Gon to train Anakin. He doesn’t really offer a good reason for this, but then, Yoda is arbitrary and destructive. A bunch of other stuff happens, but it’s all really boring and pointless, except for Senator Palpatine seizing power and becoming Chancellor, which is only just boring. Finally, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon square off against scary Sith assassin Darth Maul (Ray Park) in the most kick ass fight ever. However, even this manages to be anticlimactic as Qui-Gon gets taken out like a punk and Obi-Wan, finally free of Qui-Gon’s judgmental eye, kills Maul. Meanwhile, Anakin accidentally defeats the entire Trade Federation. In the end, Obi-Wan asks Yoda to be allowed to train the kid, and suddenly Yoda is totally cool with this. I guess that the training of the kid with the most powerful magic herpes can only be trusted to an apprentice. |
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