The original Wicker Man is such an oddity it’s hard to resist its peculiar charm. It’s not a movie that should have ever been remade, since it doesn’t work on paper and anyone that tries will miss out on whatever magic made it work in the first place. Still, Neil LaBute tried, stripping out the best parts in the process and giving us a gift of unintentional hilarity.

Tagline: Some Sacrifices Must Be Made

More Accurate Tagline: It’s Time to Punch Some Women in the Face

Guilty Party: This movie is what happens when you combine a writer/director that hates women with a star that hates subtlety. Writer/director Neil LaBute is responsible for several other movies that are extended fantasies about how all women are out to destroy men, but none have the venom, let alone the sheer what-the-fuckedness, of The Wicker Man. Nicolas Cage, for his part, imbues his character with all the nuance and sympathy of a young Gary Busey.

Synopsis: Edward Malus (Nicolas Cage), a California Highway Patrolman, witnesses an accident in which a woman and her young daughter are burned alive while he is helpless to rescue them. Shortly afterwards, he receives a letter from his former fiancée Willow (not played by Fiona Apple, but I had to check the IMDB to be sure), asking him to investigate the disappearance of her young daughter Rowan. At the urging of a female cop, Edward goes to the private island of Summersisle, located in Puget Sound, (important because this means Edward has zero jurisdiction) to check things out and generally just be a jerk. Nobody seems to know anything about Rowan and Edward starts to suspect that something’s up. For one thing, the women look like they’re in charge and the men are mute and beaten-down troglodytes. For another thing, all the comforting trappings of Christianity are either in ruins or underwater. And lastly, these people seem to like nature in general and bees specifically. Edward finally deduces that Rowan is to be the sacrifice in a pagan ritual. He’s not having that, and spends a sublime half-hour lurching around Summersisle like a belligerent pedophile drunk on power and Everclear. As it turns out, the whole thing was a set up for Edward to be the sacrifice, and he’s burned alive by the girl he was trying to save. Oh yeah, and it turns out the female cop, the mother and daughter from the beginning and even Willow were in on it the whole time.

Life-Changing Subtext: Women are pure evil.

Defining Quote: After capturing Edward, the evil ladies of Summersisle stick him in a helmet and pour bees into it. Edward: “Oh no, not the bees! Not the bees! AHHHH! All over my eyes! My eyes! ARRRRGGGH!” It’s a shame that this is only in the “alternate shock ending” (which is nearly identical to the original version’s ending, so you have to wonder who it’s supposed to shock), because the sight of Cage narrating what the CG bees are doing just takes it to another level.

Standout Performance: Nicolas Cage makes this movie. While it’s doubtful that any actor could have saved LaBute’s script, there’s no actor that could have played LaBute’s hero unironically. Edward Malus only becomes heroic when he starts running around punching women in the face. Think about that for a second. In any other movie, that establishes the guy as a particularly vile bad guy. Nope. In LaBute’s mind, every woman needs a little chin music.

What’s Wrong:Aside from the subtext and the woman-punching, the movie is pretty much just one cliché after another. Maybe I should be happy that Edward acts the way he does. Say what you will about punching women for heroic effect: it’s not clichéd.

Flash of Competence: The supporting cast, especially Molly Parker, Frances Conroy and Ellen Burstyn, do as well as they can with the material provided. Oh yeah, the locations are really pretty.

Best Jokes: TV’s Anthony: “Wait, they cut out the men’s tongues? No wonder these women are so mad.” I think it was also TV’s Anthony that called the third act of the movie “Grand Theft Auto: Summersisle.” I have to say, I would love if a GTA sequel took me to Amish Country. “Step away from the buggy, English, or I’m going colonial on your ass!” You could have a barn-raising mission, maybe a rumspringa rave. This is going to have to get pitched to Rockstar.

Best Scenes: For about seventy minutes, the movie is pretty mediocre. It’s not great, it’s not terrible. Then Edward finds Rowan’s doll and it’s burned, which prompts a screaming fit that’s really, really funny when you see it. After that, Edward’s seething resentment of the women around him explodes and he starts acting like Ike Turner on a meth bender. First he bikejacks a woman, then he terrorizes a couple kids, then he punches a few women in the face and karate-kicks Leelee Sobieski, all of which leads to the:

Transcendent Moment: At the climax of Edward’s rampage, while dressed as the bear from those Labatt commercials (long story), he runs at a woman and punches her out. I can’t properly convey how funny it is to see a bear running full tilt and punching a woman in the face. It really lends some credence to Stephen Colbert’s assertion that bears are the number one threat to America. Then again, that might actually be Nicolas Cage dressed as a bear, but close enough.

The Wicker Man is a horrible film. More than just the ineptitude of the script and lead acting, it’s a work of nearly unparalleled bigotry. Had the movie been about a community of black people instead of women, the movie would never have been made. As it stands, LaBute will continue his one-man crusade against the ladies. I can only hope that he hangs onto the bear costume.